The Box of Paradox - The Awakening to Healing Journey
The next year
I was in the Air Force working in a hospital as a medic on a Greek Island. I
was there for the next three years. During that time, I traveled Greece,
Turkey, Italy, and Germany.
Immediately
after military service, I became a student at Kentucky State University, in Kentucky’s
Capital City of Frankfort. Incidentally, our family’s favorite uncle just
happened to be the Vice-President at the time, Dr. Rufus L.
Barfield.
Uncle Rufus taught me how to be a critical thinker. He
was a second father to me and my siblings.
He always challenged me to reach higher to accomplish
more. He once said to me, “Oscalee, for the good that I would, I do not: but the evil which I
would not, that I do.”
For a
moment, I looked like a deer caught up in the headlights of an oncoming car. He
saw the perplexed look on my face and went on to tell me that we all live
within the box of paradox. I realized the truth of how compartmentally boxed I
lived my life at the time.
There
were things in my life that I was extremely proud of and wanted to be appreciated
for. There were some other things in my life that I did not want anyone to
know.
I said
to him, “Uncle Rufus, at our best, I believe we are all full of levels of contradictions.”
Yin and Yang
Reciprocal
Order is creation’s orchestration of these contradictions. As human beings, how
do we manage to focus on the light (the good that we would) without
allowing the dark (the evil which we would not) influence our behavior?
In the Yin and Yang symbol, a circle with two whales
chasing each other’s tail is on display. One whale is a light color. One whale
is a color dark. Inside each whale is a small portion of the other. It is out
of this matrix, we come to an understanding of ourselves as my Uncle Rufus
reminded me.
Good and bad chase their tales. Each seeks dominance over
the other. Power seeks power over powerlessness. Wealth seeks power over
poverty. White seeks power over black. Male seeks power over females.
Heterosexuals seek power of over the differently sexual. Politically, east
wants power over west. Slave masters want power over slaves. Adults want power
over children.
Childhood Sexual and Domestic
Trauma
Childhood Sexual Trauma
results from adults and others using children for sex. Childhood Domestic
Trauma results from the physical abuse of children through acts of violence.
Nowhere does the insidious
nature of this paradox demonstrate its negative influence than the phenomenon
of childhood sexual and domestic trauma. None of us are surprised when we hear
of others (adults) that we know
caught in sexual misconduct.
Phone calls and texts run
rampant through communities like BREAKING NEWS on CNN. Everybody becomes a
journalists telling everybody what they heard.
As a career spiritual professional, I bear witness that
this is the occasion the rubber runs away from the road. The most insidious
behavior, worse than cancer, predisposes victims to cancer, autoimmune
diseases, and the lingering effects of trauma for decades. I speak of the sexual
abuse of children by family members that most people get hush hush about. For the good that I would, I do not: but the evil which I
would not, that I do.
A mother takes her daughter
to the pediatrician because she has swelling of her vulva. The doctor tells her
that her daughter is being sexually abused and that no child should suffer that
experience.
Mothers and fathers rent
their small children out for sex for weekends. The long term effects of this
behavior on children can persist for decades without intervention.
The end results in survivors
of childhood sexual trauma and childhood domestic trauma, suffering the
lingering effects for decades.
The Sequelae of Childhood Sexual and Domestic Trauma
What are the sequelae of childhood sexual and domestic
trauma? The American College of Obstetricians
and gynecologists ’ abstract entitled, Adult
Manifestations of Childhood Sexual Abuse Report that the long term effects
of childhood sexual abuse are varied, complex, and often devastating .
Depression, anxiety, and anger are the most
commonly reported emotional responses to what was the experience of childhood
sexual abuse, now the experience of living with long term experience of
untreated childhood sexual and domestic trauma.
Gynecologic sequelae include chronic pelvic
pain, dyspareunia (pain that occurs just before, during or after
sex), vaginismus (vaginal fear of penetration), non-specific vaginitis,
and gastrointestinal disorders.
These diagnoses are common among abuse survivor living with the long
term sequelae of childhood sexual trauma. These long term effects, sequela, may
have been taking a toll on survivors for decades.
What is your responsibility? Your healing is your
responsibility. When would now be a better time to take ownership and
responsibility for your life through acts of self-love and personal care
through the process of healing?
Tricketta, Jennie G. Nollb, Frank W. Putnamc revealed
sequaela across a host of
biopsychosocial domains including: earlier onsets of puberty, cognitive
deficits, depression, dissociative symptoms, maladaptive sexual development,
hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal attenuation, asymmetrical stress responses, high
rates of obesity, more major illnesses and healthcare utilization, dropping out
of high school, persistent posttraumatic stress disorder, self-mutilation,
physical and sexual re-victimization, premature deliveries, teen motherhood,
drug and alcohol abuse, and domestic violence. Can you say HELL on Earth?
Over my career, thousands of women have intimated to me that their father, older brother, or other family members sexually abused them regularly while they were small children. They were threatened with greater harm if they told anyone. For the good that I would, I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
In many
cases, mothers knew this was happening to their daughters and said nothing.
When little girls and teen girls were brave enough to tell what was happening
to them, more often than not, they were not believed and sometimes blamed for
what happened as if they deserved what happened to them.
Hungry Wolves
Among the Sheep
Supposed
holy men of the Roman Catholic Church have been discovered to be pedophiles
abusing children for years. These of the brotherhood of light sworn to lives of
celibacy found themselves yielding to the dark side. They have become a scourge
on the church as hungry wolves among the sheep.
Please do not think this behavior is limited to the Roman
Catholic Church. It is not. Hundreds of Protestant women confess to me of preachers,
pastors, and ministers of music using them for sex while they were children.
They never expressed remorse. These same hungry wolves among the sheep, these human
evil ones mounted pulpits to preach the word of God as they unashamedly had
abused children and adult women throughout their congregations.
It is difficult for women to trust the supposed men of God
with what happened to them by other men of God. Because of this, women seldom
get help for this trauma that haunts them and prevents them from becoming their
best.
Let me speak to men for a moment. Brothers, if you learned a
devil human has violated the virtue of your daughter, what would you do? What
would you do if your wife told you she had been raped while at work, or church,
or out with her friends?
What would you do if after living with, being mated to, or
being married to your wife, she remembered a family member had sexually used
her while she as a child? What action would you take? Would you know how to
love her, secure her, and help her heal? What would you do?
Fast track your healing from childhood sexual and domestic trauma. bit.ly/virtualonlineemdr
The Adverse Childhood Experiences - The ACES Quiz
If you are living with the lingering effects of childhood
sexual or domestic trauma and you have done your best to keep anyone from
knowing, but you know that you struggle emotionally because of what happened to
you, when would now be a better time to take this quiz privately, to discover
what actions you should take.
The ACE Questionnaire is a simple scoring system that
attributes one’s exposure to trauma, which have been associated with a greater
risk of negative point for each category of adverse childhood experience. The
10 questions below each cover a different domain of trauma, and refer to
experiences that occurred prior to the age of 18. Higher scores indicate
increased consequences.
While you were growing up, during your first 18 years of
life:
1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or
very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in
a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? YES NO If yes,
enter 1 _____
2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or
very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so
hard that you had marks or were injured? YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
3. Did an adult or person at least five years older than
you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or
Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? YES NO If
yes, enter 1 _____
4. Did you often or very often feel that… No one in your
family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family
didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each
other? YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t
have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you?
or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the
doctor if you needed it? YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced? YES NO
If yes, enter 1 _____
7. Was your mother or stepmother: Often or very often
pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often,
or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or
Ever repeatedly hit at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or
alcoholic or who used street drugs? YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or
did a household member attempt suicide? YES NO If yes, enter 1 _____
10. Did a household member go to prison? YES NO If yes,
enter 1 _____
You get one point for each type of
trauma. The higher your ACE score, the higher your risk of disease, social and
emotional problems as an adult.
Now add up your “Yes”
answers: _______. This is your ACE Score
Unless people of goodwill become a team of
warriors working to end sexual violence, it will continue unabated. The game
changing moment comes when people intentionally work together to save as a many
children and adults as they can.
When we honestly complete the ACES Quiz, we can
see clearly where we have work to do. We can also choose the healing medium we
believe can serve our interests in the most efficient and cost effective way.
Fast track your healing from childhood sexual and domestic trauma. bit.ly/virtualonlineemdr
Profile of the Mid-30’s Woman
The profile of the mid – 30’s woman begins with awakening to the
need to engage self – love. As an adult, she alternates from being sullen, to being
angry, and to being depressed. From her arrested development, the place in time
her emotional development stopped, she believes nobody has cared about her or
the pain she carries alone.
Nobody protected her from harm. Her emotional responses to life have been designed to protect her from further harm.
This makes almost anyone resembling her attacker from years ago or any man subject to her hostile response in the now. She will protect herself now by any means necessary. She responds this way because she thinks of herself as a no nonsense woman.
She may be guilty of taking out her lifetime’s anger on whoever is in front of her from moment to moment. This will continue to happen until someone loves her enough and cares about her enough to risk her wrath by intervening and calling her attention to her behavior.
She has completed post–secondary education through community colleges and universities. She works hard but her hardest task is getting along with others as she always feels she is under attack and must protect her interests because no one else will.
No adult has ever protected her. Because
of that, she has difficulty working with others, especially supervisors.
She has issues with her weight since a child. She kept on extra weight to be less appealing. She considered appearing less attractive makes her safer. This is not a fixed absolute, simply an identified trend from interviews.
She discovered her choices in boyfriends early on and lovers later came with attracting dominant and violent men. She asks herself repeatedly how she manages to attract the same personality.
In Reece and Brandt’s 1987 third Edition of Effective Human Relations in Organizations, Richard Grote of Dallas Performance Systems says, “People treat us with the respect that we place on ourselves.” The mid – 30’s woman yet to awaken to self – love has not yet discovered this principle. All that has consistently happened to her at the hands of others and the behaviors of others affirm her sense of being a person of little to no value.
She has been the victim of sexual violence before 12 years old and as young as 3 - 5 years old. She has been the victim of brutal domestic violence by age 15. This generally comes from the hands of family and close family friends.
The awakening soul of women to self – love can occur at any age and stage and her healing begin. The delay in her healing happens when no therapeutic intervention treatment response follows.
The Six Commitments of the Awakened Mid – 30’s Woman
This mid – 30’s woman first
commitment is one of gratitude for the power greater than her bringing her
to the awakening to love and value herself.
The second commitment is to her. She will do nothing and be involved with no one that is not in her or her family’s best interest.
The third commitment is to take advantage of every available opportunity to continue her spiritual healing, her personal and professional development.
Her fourth commitment is to reach out to as many women as possible to help them come to their own experience of awakening.
Her fifth commitment is to experience joy in her life and it will come because of keeping the first four commitments.
The sixth commitment is a commitment to
love, to become and be the love she wants to share with another or others.
Fast track your healing from childhood sexual and domestic trauma at bit.ly/virtualonlineemdr
People
awakened to love do not need prompts to show love to people, animals, or
nature. Love is like breath to the awakened. It is their moral imperative. The
awakened give love and show love with every opportunity. It is what the
awakened do. Two types of the awakened to love exist.
Type 1
These are born awakened. They become the human angels amongst us. Their love is natural. This esteemed few are they that are born with sensitive hearts and an insatiable desire to love as many people, animals, and nature’s life forms as possible. They care for stray people, stray animals, and the gifts of nature, flowers, trees, and waters.
These spend their last money to buy food and clothes to clothe and feed other people. They model love for all. Regard for others and their needs consume their thoughts. They focus on how to make the lives of others better all the time. To do so is their joy.
Type 2
These survive their formative years in the fires of hell. They awaken from the brutal experiences of emotional and physical suffering as children and teens. Acts of violence were their normal experience growing up at home and school.
The lingering effects of their traumatic and inhumane experiences of childhood sexual and domestic trauma produced lingering scars on their bodies and minds. Having survived significant pain, they worked on accomplishing their own healing sufficient to assert themselves to help others surviving similar experiences to heal and prepare for love.
They awakened to embody everything good they did not receive in their childhood and teen development. They commit their lives to love as many people, animals, and life forms of nature as possible.
Relationships of Types One and Two
Ones attract other ones though they may feel called to love wounded others to wholeness. When ones join, both center on loving each other for the sake of shared joy. They mutually further empower each other at all times. Beyond their relationship, they focus on ways to provide love and care to others living without things that are necessary for life.
Twos attract other twos because both have survived their physical and emotional wounds. They both fully understand each other’s experience. When twos connect, their first order of business is nurturing each other. They intentionally give to each other in ways that fulfill each other and help each other know emotional security.
What happens if you do not have a sense of awakening? Is it possible to heal to be able to live a new loving and productive life? Is it possible?
If no clear awareness exists, pass no judgment on yourself. Love begins with the desire to love and receive love. Loving life, loving self, loving others, and loving all life and creation serve as the prerequisite to receiving love.
We receive all the love we want when we give away all the love we need. Love is your privilege and your choice. When we intentionally love because love is the right thing to do, we attract love.
I can hear you on the other side of the book saying, “Yes, but how?”
I am so glad you asked. This may prove to be simpler than you ever thought. Most things we believe hide from us actually hover around us out in the open. When we have eyes to see, we wonder how we missed it for so long.
Once our awakening to healing self – love comes, we see things we never noticed. Flower seeds grow flowers. Wow! Imagine that. Women and men make babies. Wow! The process works all over the world. The more we learn the more we grow and know.
We do not plant corn expecting to grow leather purses or shoes. We plant kernels of corn expecting tall stalks of corn with multiple ears of corn on each stalk. That is one seed producing one thousand.
When we awaken to healing self-love, we become love agricultural experts. We know that we can sow as many seeds of love as possible and guess what? We expect an abundant harvesting of love.
When the former energy of hurt and anger in us transforms into love, every person in our orbit receives the positive effect of the love energy alive in us. When we intentionally sow love, we grow love.
Could we intentionally focus our love on an issue, on a person, on a family, or on a nation and affect positive outcomes? The awakened to love do not hesitate. They declare a loud and resounding, “YES!”
Conclusion
We get in abundance whatever we want when we give away in
abundance whatever we need. We get all the love we want when we give away all
the love we need. We get all the healing we want when we give away all the healing
we need. This is a paradox replete with infinite possibilities for our shared
good.
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